I'm sitting at our new kitchen desk looking out the big window watching large fluffy snowflakes float through the sky. A delicious cup of cocoa accompanies me and tears stream down my cheeks.
There is so much love in my life, so many lovely people and my heart is filled with thankfulness, seriously Love Rocks! Part of my heart hurts though, it seems like the happiest days are also the saddest reminding me of the empty void, unfulfilled desire lingering deep inside. We had our PB & J play group Valentine's Party this morning and it rocked, chaotic fun that couldn't have been better. 30 kids, 15 mamas and a table full of sweets made me smile, exactly what I envisioned as my hubby and I scrambled all week working til midnight to have a functioning kitchen.
The kids skipped through the house, excited to eat candy in the morning and happy to see friends. The rice sensory bin was a bit hit along with the tattoos, cake pops and musical heart game.
Everyone went with the flow, stepping over trains and shoes while passing babies around.
As the little ones left thanking me for "the best party ever" and my little helper assisted in clean up I couldn't help but let my mind go there. The place that consumes my every day, the place that makes my throat tight. It just isn't fair, when will it be my turn to dress a little girl up in head to toe pink to celebrate my favorite day, host an all girls Valentine's tea party, paint tiny finger nails and have this hole in my deep inside filled. Love does rock and I am surrounded by an abundance of it but as I sweep piles of rice and crumbs of cake I fight back the tears and continue my inner struggle, pleading with God for comfort and peace while being so incredibly mad at him I don't even want to talk.
Someday I will get my dream, have a daughter to share in the pinkest, loveliest day of the year. Until then a part of me will be sad and missing but I will enjoy my boys, my high energy boys who wear guitar shirts and think a red dragon is the perfect Valentine's decoration.
~ Valentine's Printable Party- Frog Prince Paperie
~Cake Pops- Bumbi's Bakery
~ I made the rest of the decor using ideas from Pinterest and blogs. All the mama's recieved flower pins from my Poplin shop too.